Three Simple Questions

In marriage, it can be easy to get so consumed with your own mindset and viewpoint about an issue that you cannot see your spouse’s side. When disagreements happen, you focus on being heard, being understood, being right. But a marriage of submission is one of humility. Humility turns you away from yourself to focus on the other. It allows you to stop in your tracks and make decisions that are best for the other person. It is only in humility that you can ask yourself these three questions in the midst of a disagreement:

1. Why does this mean so much to me?
2. Have I listened more than I have talked?
3. Have we taken the time to pray about it out loud together?

Many times, couples disagree about something that, on the surface, is truly pointless. For example, you may argue about the temperature setting on the thermostat. Two degrees is truly a pointless argument, but it’s hardly ever about the issue at hand. The husband may desire it to be warmer in the house because he’s working hard to provide for the family and believes that it’s a small way to save money. He may feel hurt that his wife doesn’t recognize his initiative to provide. The wife may want it cooler because she values comfort for herself and the family in the home. She may feel that her needs aren’t valid. More often than not, our small arguments point to deeper issues about identity, love, and need. If you ask yourself “Why does this mean so much to me?” You may be able to dig into the root of where the arguing is coming from.

In disagreements, what feels most important is to be heard and understood, but in a marriage of submission, it is most important to listen. Seek to understand the other person before trying to be understood. When you take a humble position and listen (not just become silent, but really listen) you will be more open to empathy, compassion, and gentleness. You’ll both drop your defenses and be able to offer love rather than anger.

Finally, ask yourself if you’ve prayed about the issue out loud together. More often than not, spouses find themselves getting into the same circular arguments or discussions. Are you praying together about that specifically? Are you trusting that when you pray, you are submitting to the Lord who has the power to change your hearts?

These three questions are simple, but they can have a profound impact on your marriage if you take the time to ask and act.

Reflection/Discussion Question: How can you start to implement one or more of these questions into your discussions or disagreements?